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Hi, we need help!
I am the mother of a 17 year old boy who has been an outstanding kid. He is a 4.0 student, quarterback of the varsity FB teams since sophomore year, point guard on the varsity basketball team since his sophomore year, nominated optimist club youth of the year two years in a row, and number 1 in his class and I could go on. He has been a great kid and never had any problems or trouble with him until now.
He was given a citation from trespassing because he and some other boys were on church property and had been throwing eggs out into a pasture by the church. He knew it was wrong but just didn't listen to that little birdie this time. He is being punished by us (grounded for a week), punished by the school (missing golf meets) and punished by the courts. We (my husband and I) decided that was enough.
Well, we went to a meeting with the parents of all the boys that got caught and found out that our son was also smoking a cigar that night. Now my husband wants to take away his car, sell it, make him get a job (he is a life guard in the summer), and buy is own car and insurance. Am I wrong to think this is too harsh for a first offense?
My son and husband have become very distant and can't talk to each other. I have a 14 year old daughter that is getting upset by this because all they do is fight. My husband and my son are just a like and they have a way of fighting that they say things to hurt each other. Example: my husband told my son he was a "bad person" now. My son's reply was "Screw you!", I am not a bad person". My son keeps trying to tell my husband that he wants his dad back, the one he used to be able to tell everything. My husband tells him it will never be the same now and their relationship will never be the same. I am afraid he is going to push him out of the house. What do I do? Please help.
Handling a Teenage Prank
Let me try to understand. An outstanding high- achieving teenager joins his friends one night in an impulsive, madcap prank. The boys throw eggs in an empty pasture and experiment with smoking a cigar. As a result of this one atypical incident, the boy is subjected to a citation by the courts, grounded at home, punished by his school and declared a “bad person” by the father, who, until now had been a lifelong source of love and guidance. What’s more, Dad is now considering the need for an additional major punishment. Why? Does he feel it is his duty to stamp out this one sign of imperfection in his otherwise remarkable son to make sure it never happens again? Is there a competition among the parents to see who could administer the most severe discipline? I suggest you and your husband get hold of a copy of How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk. It’s a quick and easy read and you can discuss it together. It will help you both understand that teenagers, no matter how bright, because of their developmental stage, can and do get carried away – either by their hormones, the pressure of their peers or by their own impulses – any one of which can cause them to suspend their normally good judgment. (Look up the latest research on the undeveloped teen brain.) That’s what parents are for – not to beat kids down when they err, but to support them, to help them understand what’s wrong and stand by them as they figure out how to make things right again. The communication skills to make that happen are all in the book and can be easily adapted to your situation. It would be a shame to upset the once- happy dynamic of your family and throw away a wonderful relationship with a wonderful boy out of a misguided sense of duty. Your son’s relatively trivial offense needs to be placed in perspective before any further damage is done. Grownups, as well as children, need to know there’s always a way back! Best of luck, Adele Faber
Encouraging Politeness in a Different Culture
Dear Elaine and Adele,
I have learned a lot from your books. I have
read many parenting books, and yours are the best combination of practical
advice, theory, and giving hope to parents. Now I hope you
can help me with some tips on improving my children's politeness.
Recently, my family moved to an Asian country
for a year, for my husband's work. We've been here before to visit, so it's
not a total culture shock, but still I know things are difficult for my
children, adjusting to new schools, new neighborhood, and new lifestyle.
However, problems we were having in the States before we left are now
glaringly obvious. Children here are expected to greet their teachers and
other adults politely. My son, age 8, and daughter, age 4, refuse to do
this. They rarely look at others when talking and won't greet visitors who
come to our home. My daughter refuses to say hello to her teachers when I
drop her off for preschool. Both children frequently complain loudly about
conditions (just this morning, my son yelled, "Who opened the window? It's
cold.") and refuse to do family activities. I've read your
article on the Angry Child, and I know I need to undertake the campaign of
positive belief in my children. Do you have any additional tips for
encouraging normal, everyday politeness without constantly nagging and
reminding the children?
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Jane
(by email)
Dear Martha,
The situation you describe can be hard on everyone in the family. Here are a
few ideas that might be helpful:
1. Lots of listening to and acknowledging of negative feelings. For example:
- "There's so much that's new and different here. It can be hard to get
used to."
- "Boy, it's not easy to figure out how to get along with all these new
people."
- "Oh, so that's what bothers/upsets/frustrates you...I see."
2. Give the children in fantasy what they'd probably like in reality. "I'll
bet sometimes you wish we were all back home and not having to deal with all
this anymore."
3. Ask the children about the best and worst part of their day. Join in with
your own experiences.
4. Meet with the children's teachers and brainstorm with them for ideas on
how to cultivate friendships between your kids and their classmates both
during class and after.
5. Role play with the children. Let them be the teacher who greets the new
student. You be the student who ignores them and looks away. Then start
again. This time model a pleasant, polite greeting. Now reverse roles. You
play the teacher and they play the children who at first ignore their teacher
and then greet her pleasantly.
5. Do the same role plays with puppets. (Even a sock puppet will do) Let
the children manipulate and supply the voice for the puppets.
I
hope some of these ideas help ease you over the hump of what must be a huge
adjustment.
Best of luck,
Adele Faber
"Don't Go To Work!"
My name is Ana. I have a wonderful son named Anthony. He is
7 years old. Since, he started school I have seen a change in him. He has
been wanting to get into several different after school programs, but
unfortunately, I am a working mother and I can't get off work on time to get
him to these activities. He told me that he hates me going to work. He has a
fit when I have to drop him off after school at my mother's or the
babysitters. I just can't make him understand how important it is for me to
work. I devote all my free time to him. I just don't know what to do. I
mean I explain that Mommy has to work because we need a roof over our heads
and we need to eat and I have to get him things that he wants and needs.
What am I doing wrong? Please help.
Thank You,
Ana
Dear Ana,
Probably the best solution to Anthony missing out on his after-school
activities, is to enlist the help of a mother who would be willing to pick him
up along with her own children and drop him off with your mother or the
sitter. (Perhaps the teacher or class mother could help you find a
willing
Mom. In return you could offer to help her out on the weekend with a playdate
or errands.)
As for convincing Anthony of your need to work, you can rest assured. You've
done it. He understands. Now it's your turn to understand him. You might
say something like, "Boy, you really don't want me to go to work, do you?
Even though you know all the reasons, you still wish I could home with
you...If it were up to you, I'd be around all the time - night and day. I'd
like that too. (Big hug) How about a kiss (lipstick on paper) for you to put
in your pocket whenever you miss me."
Kids really are comforted when we give them in fantasy what we can't give them
in reality.
Adele Faber
From A Mum in the UK
As a mother of a challenging three year old I had almost given up on what I thought was' the 'soft' option my partner uses. I was just exhausted of playing games with no results and ending up with Kyle getting his own way. I was resorting to threats, punishments and even physical retaliation that my parents used, even though it was against my better instincts. Of course it was giving short term results but wasn't working in the long term and I was getting tired and frustrated and not looking forward to the long future of child rearing through infants, juniors and the dreaded teenage years. Then a friend of mine lent me your book, and I have to say I'd had it with books (and there have been lots of them) and advice (and there has been lots of it), but I had a quick flick through, tried one of the techniques with a half hearted attitude and was amazed at the instant results I got. That was a week ago and I have since read it cover to cover (I could not put it down), bought it myself so I can use it as a reference and improved my relationship not only with my son but with my partner, my parents, my siblings - in fact everyone I come in contact with. In just a week I am less tired, everyone is happier and I am now actually looking forward to challenges ahead. I just had to get in touch and thank you as I feel like you have saved my life. Although that sounds dramatic, as a working mum, you have saved me time, energy and heartache which amounts to the same thing. Hayley Madden Helping An Angry Child
Hello,
I am reading How To Talk for
the second time now. I first picked it up when my oldest was 3 and I had an
18 month old and I was 6 months pregnant. I was very exhausted and very
little sunk in. She is now 6 and a half and believes she is the centre of the
universe. My two younger daughters have appreciated the techniques outlined
in the book and I feel much better. She is a serious case of But, But, But.
She is visually impaired and is not yet reading so putting signs up is not an
option. She uses Always and Never, like, you always make me do all the work
and I never get to do anything. You hate me, you never let me have anything.
You never listen to me. I am so bored, what can I do that's fun.
Most of the time after I
have talked about my feelings (where her feelings are more important) and
expressed my dissatisfaction, she screaming so she can't hear me. I feel like
she is a giant bee that I can't swish away. I do have other children to care
for, how am I supposed to get to her so we are a happy family?
Thank you so very very much
Kristen
Dear Kristen,
What a frustrating situation you describe! Is it possible that your
daughter's negative attitude stems from feelings of discouragement - both at
home and in school? After all, she was, in rapid succession, displaced as a
"beloved one and only" by two younger siblings; and surely it can't be easy
for her to experience success in school when she's struggling with a visual
impairment.
If that is indeed the case, then you need to go on a "campaign of positivity"
to help this child feel valued, enjoyed and competent.
Some
ideas:
-When
she complains, refrain from talking about any of your dissatisfactions. She's
much too needy now to care about how you feel. Instead, empathize with what
she's trying to tell you:
"Is that how you feel, that you have to do all the work?
I'm so glad you told me. Boy, you'll be happy when your sisters are old
enough to pitch in more." or
"Oh no, those are awful feelings to have! Sounds as if you can use some
comforting. How about sitting on my lap and telling me more about what's
bothering you. suppose we write a list."
-Plan
for time alone. Something as simple as a walk or a trip to the supermarket
together, while someone watches the other two, can be a bonding experience -
especially if you invite her by saying, "How about coming to the store with
me? I'd like the pleasure of your company."
-Aim for at least five compliments a day. Study the chapter on descriptive
praise and catch her doing something right. For example:
"You did it!"
"You figured it out!"
"That was a big help to me."
"Boy, you don't give up easily!"
"What a funny joke! The way you told it made me laugh."
-When possible, direct the two younger girls to their big sister for help.
"Ask your sister how to cut/fold/spin/measure that. She's good at that."
-Schedule a conference with her teacher. Tell her what you're doing at home
and ask how she can support your efforts at school.
-Read Siblings Without Rivalry . You'll find many ideas there
about how to help everybody get along.
The hope is that, overtime, as your daughter slowly begins to feel more
empowered and more appreciated, that you will begin to realize your dream of
having a basically "happy family".
Warmest wishes,
Adele and Elaine
Protecting Children From LabelsGreetings,Once again I am so comforted by the skills in your new book - they work wonders many times when I least expect it. Before I even had children, I used to cringe when I would hear my sister-in-law characterize her children as, "Evan is the bad one. Jeremy is too short." On and on. I'm sure her children had overheard this labeling. I remembered this about "How to talk so kids will listen, etc.", which wasn't in the current book about teens, and I wish more of this topic had been covered. All I remember is that labeling "disables" a child, and makes them not want to try to do better. ("Why? If I'm lazy anyway..."). The problem I run into is that so many times other adults want to know the differences in the children. One adult says, "She's more focused, while the other is more all over the place", looking for confirmation of the observation. I am sure this adult has good intentions. However, even though it is true what she is saying, I feel uncomfortable confirming it (the kids probably didn't hear it), because I like to leave room for change, but I do confirm it gently, because it is, technically, true. This has come up a few times at the end of their sessions with her. What is the proper response? One that gives them the ability to try another role, or do something differently? Please help. Many times over the years I have been caught off guard with these unwanted characterizations, or requests for characterization, in their presence, and I've never known how to deal with it. Thanks kindly, Robin Via Internet
Dear RR,
Thank you for your warm response
to our work and your thoughtful question. It's one that has troubled us over
the years. How do we deal with all these well-meaning adults who have the
need to typecast children, yet have no idea how harmful it can be - either to
the individual child or to his relationship with his sibling. ("If he's the
"smart" one, then I suppose I'm the "dumb" one. And what's more, I secretly
hate him for being "smart")
But the question remains: How do
we protect our children from these well-intentioned people and at the same
time respond courteously? Here are some possibilities: (Feel free to add your
own variation.)
- "I suppose I can understand why
you might say that, but I see my girls differently. To me they're both
capable of being "focused" and 'all over the place.' "
- "Is that what you think? Well,
I've noticed that when Susie gets a game/toy/tape that really interests her,
she can be extremely focused."
- "I guess my kids do seem to have
different ways of learning. But all that matters to me is that their learning
style works for them."
- "Hmm. That's a hard question
for me to answer. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of looking at my
kids as being one thing or the other. I've seen them both change and grow so
much over the years, I wouldn't even want to consider type-casting either one
of them."
If, by chance, one of your answers
reaches a person who is non-defensive and responsive, you can tell her about
the chapter in siblings Without Rivalry called "Siblings in Roles - If He's
'This', Then I'll be 'That' " It's a clear and lively exploration of the harm
done by labeling and the many ways we adults can help all our children become
their finest selves.
Warmest wishes,
Adele and Elaine
Socializing An Aggressive Pre-Schooler
How should I deal with a three year old that likes to touch other children in nursery, often hitting or kicking others and then laughs and thinks its funny? As the teacher, I’ve tried many of the suggestions in your books; saying “people are not for hitting”, explaining that we can’t touch someone if they don’t like it, and showing him how to ask the other children if they like it, showing him times when he is gentle. Awaiting your suggestions.
Dear
Reader,
The first thought that occurs to us is whether anything is going on in this
little boy's life that might be prompting his behavior. Is he getting
enough attention, hugging, touching at home? Is there a new baby in the
picture? Does he not want to be in school? Or is this simply an
exuberant child who likes to physically connect with others and doesn't yet
understand that the "whack" which gives him such
pleasure to give is not a pleasure for others
to receive?
But no matter what the underlying reasons for his aggressive behavior, the
other children in your class need to know they're protected by their teacher,
and the little boy you describe needs to be stopped - each time - and
redirected, if possible with a choice. For example: "No hitting
allowed!" "That hurt Todd." "if you want to hit, you can
hammer nails or pound the clay... You decide."
You can acknowledge his feelings: "I can see you're in the mood for
some rough play. I can't let you kick Jeffrey, but let's think of what
you can do with all your energy that won't hurt anyone. Take
giant steps around the room? Skip?... Hop?...Do jumping jacks until you get
tired?"
You decide when you're in the mood to play gently. Then you can join the
children who are playing with blocks. Or maybe you'd rather draw."
Our hope is that over time, this approach will result in a little boy who can
recognize his own feelings and better manage his own behavior.
Adele
and Elaine
Parent Teacher ConferenceDear Adele and Elaine, Over the past three years I have read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk and How to Talk So Kids Can Learn a few times each. I find I need a refresher every now and then and greatly appreciate your hard work and time you put into these wonderful books. I wish everyone in the world would read them. I am hearing of a problem with my oldest daughter, who is 6 and in Kindergarten, from her teacher. Generalizing the teacher’s feedback, I hear that my daughter is an extremely a bright young girl, but that she really has to learn that she is just one of the 21 other children in the teacher’s class. The teacher says that my daughter wants to answer every question and she always wants to be the center of attention. When I asked the teacher for more information she went on to say that my daughter is a free spirit and that it is important for the teacher and myself to not squash that, but my daughter needs to know she is not her only student. I left feeling my daughter is irritating to her teacher. I don’t know what to do with these comments to positively help my daughter. I am very shy and have bent over backwards to help my children so they have confidence speaking to or in front of others. I praise what I like that they do and I enjoy her participation. I don’t know what to do or what I should be trying to accomplish. I was most recently saddened when my daughter came home from school and happily told me that she only raised her hand once at school today. I think I am guiding her in the wrong direction, but don’t know how to show her how to balance participation properly. I would like to guide her to be what her teacher wants her to be at school but I can’t even put my finger on the “problem” to try and guide her. Over the past few months I have been counting on the fact that 1st and 2nd grade will be more difficult and she won’t already know all of those answers so she won’t volunteer so much, but lately I am worried that that isn’t the right answer either. I think she is behaving very well considering she already reads chapter books on her own but goes to school where they are teaching the children to recognize sight words and all of the different sounds each letter makes so they can learn to read. She never says she is bored and always comes home happy with well colored-in papers. She takes her time to work hard on the assignments she is given and seems to enjoy them even though they are easy for her. Can you guide me so I can lead her to behave more appropriately in school, please? Thank you, in advance, for your experienced help. Kristen
Dear Kristen, Your daughter sounds like a delightful little girl. She's already learned a hard social lesson: You can't behave with the same spontaneity in a classroom as you do in your own home, since you need to be sensitive to the needs of twenty other children. She's proud of her accomplishment and that's as it should be. Now it's her teacher's turn to make an adjustment. She has a bright, spirited child in her class that she needs to encourage and educate - not stifle. Could she suggest some alternative activities to engage your daughter and other advanced readers in the class (there are probably a few others) while she slowly teaches the "b" sound to everyone else? Perhaps the "readers" could sit at a separate table where they could write, read, do an art project or create a play together. Could your daughter be used as a resource to help other children? Could her teacher tell her how many times she can raise her hand each day -three times? five? In summary, now that your daughter has learned to restrain herself, her teacher needs to provide activity, challenge and expression for her. So what's a mother to do? It seems another conference with the teacher is in order. Please re-read our chapter, "The Parent Teacher Conference" in How to Talk So Kids Can Learn. The story on page 249 might be especially helpful. In the meantime, continue to enjoy your wonderful little girl. Adele Faber
An Uncommunicative Teen
Dear Adele and Elaine,
I’m hoping you can point me in the right direction for a solution to a problem we’re having with our "just turning" 15 year-old daughter. She is quite an athlete, social with her sports team, social at school (as far as I can tell) and remains close with her 20 year-old brother. BUT with her dad and me at home, it is so very difficult to get anything from her. It is always averted eyes, head turned, “walk away one-word answers.” Even though I know she loves us, still we’re having a hard time with this situation. Now I feel my attempts are even more ridiculous than ever. I am somewhere between my old methods (which seemed to work fine till the turning of 13) and awkward with some new words I'm trying to use. I feel the "shutting out" of me is way more than I can handle.
Here’s an example from yesterday. Our daughter was selected to attend a school-sponsored leadership conference. She left Friday morning and returned Sunday early evening. I heard her on the phone talking to friends - “It was awesome, the people were great, those grade 12's were so funny!... a counselor from Australia was way cute... " When it was my turn, I got "it was fine".
Please, I need help in learning how to engage with her. It seems I just annoy her.
Thanks ever so much.
Cecilia
Dear Cecillia,
It can be extremely upsetting to be rejected by your own child - even temporarily. Although we parents might intellectually understand why our kids feel the need to pull away from us during their adolescent years, emotionally it's still painful. Part of our hurt comes from the thought that we're no longer important in their lives. But we are. The journey to adulthood can be confusing and stressful. Despite their averted eyes and monosyllabic responses, our children still need us to be there for them - with ongoing support, respect and love.
So what can we do to stay connected? How can we “be there" for our kids so that when they do need to talk, there will be a mature, responsive adult ready to listen? Parents have told us that one surefire way to discourage conversation is to ask a lot of questions. If you put yourself in a teenager’s shoes, you can readily experience the difference between “So how was the conference?...Who was there?...What did you do?...Did you have fun? And “Welcome home. I’m so glad to see you! Whenever you’re ready, I’d love to hear how the conference went.” Teens appreciate our interest in their lives and our willingness to hear whatever they’d like to tell us, whenever they feel like telling it.
But as far as the larger issue you raised is concerned - "help in learning how to engage" - that's what our new book . How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk is all about. You'll find many more specific communication skills there - all clearly illustrated - that you can put to immediate use to enhance your relationship with your daughter. You'll also find helpful information for dealing with some of the more serious problems that our teenagers face in today's world.
Best of luck,
Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
_____
A
psychologist friend recommended that I buy 2 copies of your book, one for
me and one for my 17 year old son, so that we could both read
A Difficult ToddlerDear Adele and Elaine,
My 2.5 yr old is normally a very pleasant toddler,
very peaceful and calm and non-confrontational. But occasionally she throws
things, and sometimes they're heavy things that could do some damage. She
seems to do it for no particular reason sometimes, as well as when she's angry
or if we ask her not to do something. She also sometimes hits us or her baby
sister, and pushes her sister as well. When she's going through a bad patch
(like when she's been ill), this happens more and more often. She's not a
hard-work toddler, and I expect and respect the occasional meltdown/tantrum
when life doesn't make sense to her. We respect her needs as much as possible
(she's still breastfed, sleeps in our bed, and isn't forced to do anything she
doesn't want to) but I'm finding this unpleasant behavior very hard to deal
with - in fact I haven't got a clue how to deal with it. My instant reaction
is to snap, or say 'no' very firmly (although ideally we try not to say 'no'
to her much) - it makes me very angry to see her hit/throw/push - but I'm
aware that it's not the best course of action to get angry with her, and is
frequently counter-productive. We love your books, and feel that putting your
principles into practice has made our lives a whole lot easier to live. We'd
very much appreciate some guidance or suggestions or anything! I know you're
very busy people.
Hope you can help.
Clare
Dear Clare,
Two year olds like to throw things. They throw when they're happy and they
throw when they're upset. They also hit their parents and their siblings.
Our job? To help them get through this normal developmental phase by teaching
them the difference between what they may and may not do - over and over again
- until they learn what they need to learn.
How? By accepting their feelings even as we stop and redirect their
unacceptable behavior. For example:
-"Hold it! Blocks are not for throwing - even when you're angry. Here, you
can throw the pillow or the balloon."
-"Ouch, that hurt! I can't let you hit me. But you can tell me what you
feel. You can say, 'I don't want you to be with the baby now. I want you
to be with me!' "
-"No shoving! Tell your sister what you want with words, not shoves. Tell
her, 'My doll. I'm not ready to share.' "
-"the carpet is not for cutting. Let's see, what can you cut? How about this
paper? Or this cardboard? Which one? You decide."
You'll discover many variations of this kind of talk on your own. By
following the basic principle of acknowledging her feelings while giving her
guidelines and choices for how she can express them safely, in times you'll
see the fruits of your patient teaching.
Now, about dealing with your own anger - (Isn't it amazing how angry a little
2 year old can make us?) You may want to pick up a copy of our first book,
Liberated Parents/Liberated Children. There's a section there on anger that
many parents have found very comforting as well as useful. It goes into some
detail on how one can express anger without being hurtful.
Best of luck and continued pleasure in your growing family,
Adele Faber
Bullying At School
Dear Adele and Elaine,
Please, I have urgent need for help on the
subject!
My five-year niece is suffering a lot at
school. Her Mom (my sister) already practices many of the principles contained
in your book "How to talk..". It helps a lot, but the problem is still
there. Could you, please, offer us your sound advice?
Betty
Dear Betty,
It's hard to give "sound advice" when we don't know the specifics of your
situation. If your sister were to pick up a copy of How To Talk So
Kids Can Learn (If all else fails, she can get it from the library)
and look at pages 152 and 153, she's find a number of valuable ideas there.
The one suggestion we'd like to underscore is, "Talk to the Teacher."
The book we've written for children to sensitize them to the effects of
bullying is called Bobby and the Brockles Go To School. (You
can find it on our website) Perhaps your nieces teacher could read it to the
class.
Best of luck,
Adele and Elaine
Eating Problems
I desperately need help in dealing with my three year old. He won’t sit at the table to eat for more than four bites. Then he gets down and starts running around.. My husband and I get tense and we yell at him. Later in the day, while he’s playing or in the bathtub, I feed him myself with a spoon or by putting food in his mouth with my fingers. I know this sounds weird, but it’s the only way he’ll eat. He will even say, “Mommy, you have to feed me.” Since I have an eating disorder, I lean over backwards to not make food an issue. But, I feel totally inept getting him to sit down and eat. Please give me some advice. The entire situation makes eating horrible. Help! I’m at my wits’ end.
(Name withheld), via e-mail
Dear ____, Our usual response to parents who are concerned about
their children not eating enough goes along these lines: 1.Check with your pediatrician to determine:
a. whether
your child is getting his nutritional needs met;
b. how
much food a three-year-old needs in order to be healthy.
2. Get
rid of all junk food in the house.
3. Involve
the child in finding recipes (there are cookbooks for kids in the library), shopping
for ingredients, and preparing the food-washing, rinsing, chopping, peeling,
etc. 4. a. Serve small, varied portions on a big plate. For example, 3 raisins, 2 cubes of cheese, 3 frozen peas, 3 cherry tomatoes, 3 slivers of carrot, etc. If he asks for more, give him a small portion.
b. Or put the food on a serving dish in the middle of the table and let him
choose what he wants to put on his plate. 5. Refrain from commenting on how much or little the child has eaten. What he puts in his stomach is his business. Your job is to provide a variety of nutritious foods.
6. Instead
of “bathtub feeding,” establish a regular meal schedule–breakfast, lunch,
dinner and small snacks in-between.
7. Remove
food if he shows no interest and wait for the next meal or snack–served at
the table. If these ideas yield no results, then we urge you to
talk over the problem with a professional counselor. Best of luck!
Adele and Elaine
Dear Adele and Elaine, How can I limit my 4-year-old daughter's quantity of food eaten a day when I am sure she eats too much> I told her that she would be fat but I don't think it was good because now she keeps telling herself that she can't eat because she would be fat...That's a bit sad... from a reader in Poland (via e-mail)
Dear _____, We agree. We don't think it's a good idea for children to be worrying about getting fat. We usually advise parents to rid the house of junk food and keep a supply of fruit, vegetables and whole grains on hand that a child can fill up on and enjoy without guilt. Of course children also need to be encouraged to engage in active play. The combination of wholesome, low-calorie food and plenty of exercise usually leads to healthier, happier children. I saw my son break a vase in the living room and he denied doing it. What's the best way to handle lying? A lie usually represents a wish or a fear. Your son wished he hadn't broken your vase and feared your reaction. It's a good idea to deal with the wish or deal with the fear rather than focus on the lying. Notice the difference between these two scenarios. Mother: Who broke this vase? . . . Did you do it? Child: Not me. Mother: Are you sure? Don't lie to me now. Child: No, I swear I didn't. Mother: You're a little liar. I saw you do it and now you're going to be punished. Instead of trying to trap the child in a lie, it would be best to confront the youngster with the truth: Mother: I saw you throw the ball and break the vase. Child: No I didn't! I swear. Mother: I'm sure you wish it hadn't happened, Danny. I'm upset. I expect you to be able to say "no" to yourself when you're tempted to play ball in the living room. Now how do we get this mess cleaned up. By not labeling a child "liar," by accepting his feelings, and sharing our own, we make it safe for him to come to us with the truth. _______ Our daughter (aged 6) has developed a habit of lying. Usually these lies regard something my wife and I do not directly observe. For instance, at a friends swim party this past Saturday someone pooped in the public pool. Our daughter denied that she did it - before anyone asked who did it. When my wife was in the locker room with her, there were obvious poop stains on her bathing suit; yet, she denied that she pooped in the pool. This is just one instance. We don't want to cast her in the role of "liar". What can we do? Thank you. Via the Internet
If you know she did it, then say so without making it an issue: "That must be really embarrassing. That's not the kind of thing you want to tell people. I'll bet you wish it never happened. I'll bet next time you're in the pool, you'll make a beeline for the bathroom as soon as you feel the slightest urge." If you can then share an embarrassing tale that happened to you, that might help her feel like less of a pariah. By creating a climate where all her feelings are accepted, where she knows she won't be shamed, blamed or punished for her mistakes, she'll eventually feel safe to tell the truth.
Dear Adele and Elaine: I have 4 daughters, age 5 1/2, 3 1/2, 1 1/2 and 3 months. The two oldest are obsessed with being first to do everything- first out of the house, first in the car, first out of the car, first up the stairs, etc. The one who is not first will burst into tears about this. It is driving me insane. I have tried explaining that it doesn't matter who is first, empathizing with the loser ("you sound disappointed"). I have also tried setting rules about who gets to be first on each day. Nothing helps. The ironic thing is, my girls happily share a room and play together most of the time. It is just this issue that we can't resolve. HELP! Cathy
Dear Cathy, You might want to consider investing in an inexpensive stop watch and two clip boards. Show the girls how they can clock their individual time and chart their progress. ("Yesterday it took me ten seconds to get up the stairs; today I did it in nine!) The idea is to switch them from the distress of competing with each other (for me to win; you have to lose) to the satisfaction of competing with themselves and recording their personal best. Best of luck! Adele and Elaine ____
Hello,
I just finished reading your book "Siblings
Without Rivalry". I found it to have great suggestions and ideas on how to
deal with problems between siblings, however most of the examples and
suggestions were geared toward older children and those already in the throws
of a antagonistic relationship. I would love it if you had some ideas on how
to get off on the right foot when a new baby is to be introduced to the
family. I have a 14 month old daughter who will be a big sister in 2 months,
so you see due to her age reasoning won't really work. How do I maintain her
confidence in our love for her while still seeing to the needs of the new
baby? Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You,
Erica
Dear Erica,
You probably already know the standard new-baby advice - e.g. read "new baby"
picture books together; give her her own baby doll to play with; show her
her baby pictures; recruit family members to give you a hand, etc. But
more important than anything is what you already have in abundance: your own
sensitivity to your "big girls" new position. That, plus the skills in SWR,
will help you navigate the difficult moments. I wish you much joy in your
growing family.
Adele Faber
Name Callingdear faber and mazlish, i read ur book: how to talk...almost everyday!! i try to use it but i'm failing. i hear myself criticising and name-calling all the time!! anyways my daughter is 7 years old. she's constantly calling me fart and other things we do in the toilet! i live in saudi arabia in a muslim community so i'm glad she doesn't hear words like the "f" word and others. how do i solve this problem?
Dear Adele and Elaine,
How can I respond to a sentence said by my daughter (4-year-old) like
this: "You are bad parents, you are not clever, you do not let me do
what i want!" I think there is no point in explaining to her that we
are older and wiser and we know more, etc.
Thank you for your answer!
Best wishes,
a reader from Poland
Reply from Adele and Elaine:
You can tell your daughter,
"Lucky for your Daddy and me, we have another view of ourselves. But
we hear how frustrating it is for you when we stop you from doing something.
And even though you know we have our reasons, you still wish you could do
whatever you want to do, when ever you want to do it." A statement
like this acknowledges her feelings while establishing limits and leaving
the door open for further discussion.
When "Funny" Isn't Funny
Hello:
Thanks for the great work you do. I have never seen this directly addressed. My husband often jokes in a "making fun of way" with one of our children. She asks him to stop and he doesn't. When I ask him to stop he says I have no sense of humor and that joking with kids like this helps them develop a sense of humor. Is there harm in this for a child?
Authors Response: Yes. The old adage holds true: humor at someone else's expense ain't funny. If you feel the urge to make fun of yourself or your sworn enemy, then have at it. But in that sacred place we call family, put-down humor is a no-no. Why? Because children learn what they live. If they live with put downs, they learn to doubt themselves and put down others. If they express their hurt and are told to ignore it and laugh, they learn that it's okay for others to hurt them. Instead, parents have the opportunity to act as role models for the kind of supportive, encouraging people we all need in our lives -especially when we're trying to deal with our very human imperfections. As far as you husband's concern about his daughter "developing a sense of humor," there are myriad ways to be playful, zany, silly, whimsical, goof around and make fun WITH, not OF anyone else. For inspiration, see our chapter, "Don't change a mind; change the mood" in Liberated Parents/Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family. All good wishes, Adele Faber
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